The Loaded Mantilla

   When I first joined the Catholic faith in 2017 I chose to follow the personal act of donning the mantilla. When I say I had no idea what I was getting into… I mean it. The moment I showed up at the church San Juan Capistrano Mission Basilica wearing a veil and a skirt I immediately found myself ostracized. Everywhere I would go within church people would glare. Even during the communion rites themselves I was glared at from people in the pews. They looked at me with disdain and disgust. And this judgment wasn’t just found in the pews of the church but in the RCIA director herself who treated me very differently than every other person in the class. I was devastated. I didn’t know what I was doing wrong or why the way I dressed bothered them. In fact I didn’t even know the hateful judgementalism that the mantilla had come to symbolize. I was hurt and I felt rejected. I was trying so hard to fit in, but wasn’t. To me donning this veil was simply a way to show my devotion to the Body and Blood of Christ and His real presence in the church. It didn’t mean anything other than that. 

   Eventually I moved to another state and attended a small church where I decided not to wear the veil. I didn’t know people viewed it as a form of conservative extremism and I am far from a conservative let alone an extremist. I am very much a classic California liberal. But people were making assumptions and I realized I had to remove the veil… At least that’s what I told myself. Eventually I realized I was letting other people dictate my faith and devotion which is exactly what had me coming and going from my faith to begin with since early childhood. If I want to be devoted to my new Catholic faith I need to remind myself not to subject it to the inferior rules of individual Catholics, but to the rules of the church. The church does not shame a woman for covering her head, nor does it demand it. So I donned the veil yet again. Nonetheless I eventually decided to stop wearing a fancy dress and donned a pair of blue jeans and a blouse with my veil. 

   I have dreams for myself and they involve attracting the right kind of man to raise a child with. And unfortunately the only men I was attracting with my traditional dress were men who believed that women belong in the kitchen. Now I have every intention of being a stay at home mom, but only because it is my choice, not because it is my place as a woman, and the guy I’m with needs to understand that. As far as female friends go I had a similar problem I attracted women whose faith seemed to lack sincerity. They were more focused on the external pomp and glamour of the Latin mass. They refused to do the inner work necessary for true faith. If it was simply that they appreciated the beauty of the mass that’s one thing, but for them it seemed to be a way to signal that they were better than others. They noticed my veil and assumed I was like them. They kept inviting me to their own church because they believed theirs was better and because I liked tradition they thought I would like it more. But faith is no longer that simple to me-though it indeed used to be.

   When I first became a Catholic I fell into the wrong online circles. Circles that preached of a God of condemnation and a necessity to know everything from Catholic history which, if you know anything about Catholic history, you know it’s impossible to learn it all in a lifetime let alone a day. It became all about the rules and pomp with none of the substance. Needless to say I found myself feeling over pressured and I ran abandoning my faith because I couldn’t take the stress. God had gone from being my hero to my nightmare. Overtime I grew up, got mental health issues taken care of in therapy, and I realized… what is the point of tradition if it lacks genuine faith? And what is the point of devotion if it drives you away? This can’t possibly be what God intended. I decided to return to the faith and fight for my place. 

   I love tradition, but I also love humanity as God has ordered us too. Incense is great but it’s harmful to many people with allergies and lung problems, kneeling in the communion line sounds like a great idea, but if it ends up delaying the proceedings it just becomes rude and pompous, obviously there is a long list of traditions that naturally need to be adapted to the needs of the church today. I prioritize my faith in God and concern for humanity above my love of tradition. I can honestly say that my faith has never been stronger. I believe in adapting traditions to the needs of the people rather than demanding that the people of the church adapt to the past. A person who is missing a lung cannot suddenly regrow that lung at your command because you want incense during mass, but you can very easily get used to not having incense. 

   Although I continue to don the veil I am no longer angry at the people who judged me for wearing it. I understand how they must’ve felt. I was a new convert and not aware of the internal conflict within the church. I will continue to wear that veil while also praying each individual gives me a chance to show them who I am. You can think what you want of the veil, but we should not assume things about each other from the way we look or dress. You see a girl in a veil and you assume she’s traditional and radical… Maybe… Or maybe she’s just expressing her devotion in a personal way. Nonetheless the veil comes with responsibilities. Every woman who wears one needs to remember she’s supposed to represent faith in God-not faith in the Latin mass, not a movement, and most certainly not a superiority complex. No woman should feel pressured to wear it and no woman who wears it should believe that she is superior. We are all sinners and as the Bible says the last will be first in heaven and the first will be last.